if only i was a surgeon…

I just swallowed 5 really big pills.  They were a really pretty orange color that almost made me like them, sort of like the tip of an orange Mr Sketch marker when it’s still brand new, except without the scented part.  I figured that with so many of them, I would start with just two.  I popped, I swallowed, and while I looked at the others and contemplated taking them all together, one of the first made an almost imperceptible knot in my throat.  Nothing too choke on, but enough to scare me into splitting up the last three.  Not worth the risk of gagging on my new $5000 prescription.

I have another one, it’s only about $3000.  It’s supposed to go down as 3 pills in the morning and 4 in the evening.  I’m not even sure yet how big those are.  I just hope they fight my cancer better than the so called “godzilla.”  That one was a wimp.

I never really wanted to call it “my” cancer.  But I met a girl the other night whose MS has put her in a wheelchair.  She likes to think that she signed up for it, that someone out there said “Who’s up for this?” and she responded, “May as well be me…  I can handle it.” I don’t think I ever thought that way before.  I sort of figured everybody has some crap they have to deal with, and this is mine, but I never really thought about it as a choice.  What if it was?  What if we all saw the list of crap and could actually choose to take something on, or pass it to someone else, never knowing who was next in line?  What would you choose?

Godzilla certainly didn’t choose me, but maybe that’s not a problem.  Maybe this new mix of drugs (Tykerb and Xoloda if you’re asking) will.  Cathy, my close neighbor/friend, pointed out:  Godzilla was issued to me first because it was the drug that worked on the highest percent of people, but I’m not in that category.  I’m the outlier.  The rare case.  So what works for me probably isn’t going to be what works for the majority.  Makes perfect sense.  I just hope that what does work gets figured out soon.  While I’ll get to discover the side effects of the new drugs over the next few weeks, the effects of the actual cancer, I am already way too familiar with and they are driving me crazy.  Apparently inflammatory breast cancer is known as it is because of the irritation of the skin.  It’s bumpy and red and swollen and achey and serves as a constant visual and physical reminder that I’m infected.  My doctor says radiation might reduce the symptoms, but that it would only be temporary, and I can’t do chemo while I’m doing radiation.  Surgery is not an option because they fear too high a risk of infection or too low a chance of healing.  Hmmm…  chances, stats and risks.  I’ve been tempted to check them myself… can’t I just cut out a section and put a bandaid over it?