it’s been a while

The current mental state:

time passing is so relative.  there are moments/days/nights when it seems to go so slow.  like in the dark last night, going from hot to cold, feeling some sort of indigestion/nausea inside, being much too awake to sleep but not motivated enough to get out of bed and write down the mess of thoughts running through my head.

then i get on here and realize it’s been over a month since my last post and think, “gosh, how much has happened?”  so little?  two chemo treatments that passed mostly as usual:  felt crappy for a bit, went to school, felt good for about a week, then started the whole thing over again yesterday.  so much?  made closer friends with Heather, met Shayne and started a friendship, kept up with the old baseball girls at dinner and the wives club at a Padre game, closed out my first Physics APC class, sent all my seniors off to graduation (well, all but one who failed),  sent all the rest on to another year, supported Morgan through all his frustrations with a messed up elbow and a company that doesn’t want him back, and even ran 2 blocks of the RockNRoll half to support Megan.  went through a phase that had a low end of feeling unsupported and a high end of feeling like the support wasn’t needed and ended up somewhere in the middle, just appreciating what was provided.

it’s interesting how life is such a balance.  seize the day, but plan for the future;  focus on me getting well, but don’t become self-obsessed;  eat healthy, but don’t go crazy feeling guilty when I don’t have the time/money/energy to do it;  be there for the students, but don’t stay at school all day;  pay attention to new research and therapies to fight cancer but remain scientific and consider sample size, source, etc;  get out to socialize, but don’t overextend myself;  ask for support, but don’t be a baby;  cry when needed, but remain strong.  The tightrope of life.  As long as it’s not a noose, right?

The emotional and physical update:

I only have one more chemo to go.  Morgan has been adding a bead to my bracelet each time as a reminder of how far we’ve come.  I’m on break from school so that is a big obligation that won’t be missed.  I’m scheduled for a PET scan two weeks from this Friday.  It’s got me a bit freaked out.  So far, we’ve known exactly what to do… chemo every 3 weeks, and roughly     what to expect… the cycle of tired eventually leading to feeling good again.  But now waiting for the scan and it’s results is a new unknown territory.  I’ll keep a positive outlook and hope for the best, but aren’t I supposed to prepare for the worst also?  I suppose I’m working on that, but limiting it to conversations mostly in my own head, and occasionally with Morgan.  So until that scan gets looked at and discussed with my oncologist, I’m sort of just trying to lean to one side of the balance bar:  be thankful for and make the most of each day that passes.